My breakup with Mormonism
Leaving the Mormon faith is one of the scariest things a person can do in their lifetime.
My disentangling from Mormonism started in my teens. After a few years of being ruckus and wicked, and because I was young and impressionable, I succumbed to the religious pressure of marrying as soon as possible—which I think is highly motivated by wanting to have sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend, so you won’t burn in hell and curse your marriage with a seventeenth century stain of impropriety.
(PSA: whoever has the authority in Salt Lake City to change these rules—like you did recently with LDS women’s underwear choices that now allows them to expose their shoulders—I think you should seriously consider changing the no-sex-before-marriage rule. Could possibly prevent a lot of sad and depressing marriages and significantly close the pleasure gap.)
I digress.
Because I am wild and unruly in my core, the complacency that Mormon tradwife-hood offered was beyond underwhelming, incredibly disappointing, and soul-sucking. So, I began to question. The questioning spilled over at age 27.
I was sitting in a cozy leather chair next to the fireplace at the Grand California Lodge at Disneyland reading a book by Emerson. He mentioned a contemporary of his whose theology was based on three degrees of heaven. At first I was like, yeah yeah yeah Joseph Smith. Except it wasn’t. It was a Swedish philosopher and theologian named Emanuel Swedenborg.
I grabbed my iPhone 6 and hurriedly Googled.
I used to have a recurring dream when I was younger. I would walk through the cemetery next to the neighborhood where I grew up—Woodlake. It would wind through cement roads between grassy hills covered in graves and ponds. There was a large abyss in the middle of the cemetery. If you walked too close, you would fall into the black pit and die. As soon as I made it to the funeral home (which also weirdly looked like a rec center?) in the middle of the death maze, there would be a bunch of bald white men in glasses wearing all-white suits. And they told me: it’s a lie. There is no God. Mormonism isn’t real.
The first time I had the dream, I woke up in a swarm of existential dread. I had a glimpse into the afterlife, but how, if it wasn’t even real? What was that liminal graveyard space I was walking through in terror? And what would I do if Mormonism actually wasn’t real?
The search results about Swedenborg’s Heaven and Hell felt like the same doom I had experienced in my dreams. I was terrified to click through to the “anti-Mormon” website and literature because I had been warned that these were angry people deceived by “the adversary,” attempting to destroy God’s work of spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the whole world.
I clicked. I read. I was flooded with the utmost terror and anxiety, worse than any felt in my dreams.
This isn’t the one true church.
It’s a lie. There is no God. Mormonism isn’t real…
Even worse, it’s a lazy derivative of the religious enlightenment movement, without the credit—Joseph Smith was a plagiarizer! The gravest of sins!
This was the first nail in the coffin for me.
Next, I read Rough Stone Rolling by Richard Bushman. More waves of extreme discomfort. It was confirmed that Joseph Smith was: a charlatan, a liar, a scammer, a thief, a womanizer, a manipulator, and a predator. And there was a clear pattern:
Magical rocks and conning people for money that began in his teens.
Borrowing extreme amounts of unrepaid loans and debt to create his cities, temples, and empires in his adulthood.
Polygamy and underaged wives (no, age 14 was not a “socially acceptable” age to get married in the 1800s, even if you talk to God and he gave you a hall pass. There is no world where a loving God condones rape and pedophilia. That is heinous. According to census records, the average marrying age was around age 23 in the 1800s. If you don’t believe me and take issue with this assertion, go do the research and work to challenge your beliefs, in order to critically examine this particular issue).
Breaking literal laws, but justifying it in the name of God and shifting the narrative to “martyr” when he was engaging in criminal activity. (As I write this, it reminds me of the insane rhetoric that Donald Trump and his followers subscribe to, along with the excuses they make to justify his disgusting behavior. It makes sense why so many Mormons are Trumpers.)
What I just described is what I argue to be classic cult leader behavior, which often aligns with clinical psychopathic personality disorders. Which reminds me to write an essay on my theory about how Mormons who descend from pioneer stock, and the founding leaders of the religion, may have higher prevalences of mental illness and personality disorders, because they are inherited from definitively insane people—myself included. 😏
Like, what would you do if someone you loved started to follow a man who talks to angels, Jesus, and God and then convinced thousands of people to leave their families and even their country because he claims to be a living prophet… and then his cronies convince them to make a perilous and deathly walk across the United States that is full of people who hate your leader and group, because said leader is a known and wanted criminal? Like, what the actual fuck? Spoiler alert: there are countless documentaries about this—they are all cult leaders. But their groups didn’t survive. It simultaneously boggles my mind and impresses me that Mormonism shifted itself into the classification of mainstream religion when it is still wildly cult-y.
Also, whose idea was it to resurrect pioneer suffering in the early 2000s and call it Trek? The goal was supposedly to honor heritage and sacrifice—but it basically involved forcing Mormon youth to re-enact a traumatic historical migration, complete with bonnets, handcarts, and spiritual guilt trips. I lost 10 pounds in 72 hours because of that harrowing experience. Another incoming essay on that ordeal. As a childhood best friend says, "I will be salty about this until we’re 80.”
I digress again.
The Rough Stone Rolling book was the second nail in the coffin.
In the final a-ha moment, I was sitting on a chair on the stone porch of my parents’ house in Heber City, Utah. The same house that was built in the 1890’s by my pioneer great-grandparents and company. Side note: this house is full of so much righteous female anger. Watch my story about how my female ancestors haunt me in my dreams whenever I am there (see my above theory about inherited mental illness lol) because they know I am a brazen, feminist heathen who will share their stories and validate their rage.
I am out of digresses, but tangents are kind of my thing.
A friend had sent me an article about something called the BITE Model of Authoritarian Control by Dr Steven Hassan. The whole premise of this model is based on methods that cults, or high-demand groups, use to influence how a person thinks, feels, or behaves. The forms of control are:
Behavior Control: things in the list that I think are related to Mormonism:
Control over with whom one associates - there is a temple recommend question that asks about affiliation with people who are in opposition to LDS church teachings
Dictate when, how, and with whom a member has sex - law of chastity
Control over clothing and hairstyles - garments; guidelines in the handbook about “acceptable” appearance
Control over diet - fasting, Word of Wisdom
Financial exploitation - tithing without transparency—10% is a lot of money that significantly impacts a financial situation, and I think it can cause harm to people with low incomes
Restrict leisure and entertainment time - Sabbath day observance and associated guilt or fear with “breaking” it
Major time spent with group indoctrination - church meetings; groups, like youth groups or Relief Society for women; temple ceremonies; seminary; weekly social activities and various youth activities, etc
Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative - temple marriage; degrees of glory and making it to the highest heaven; not being with family if you fail to follow the rules; disciplinary “membership” councils and excommunication for breaking the rules
Encourage group-think - fast and testimony meetings; the LDS social framework and doctrine
Permission required for major decisions - meeting with the bishop or stake presidency to talk about your righteousness, like if you don’t want to go to church as much, or pay tithing, or wear garments, fertility plans, etc
Impose rigid rules and regulations - the LDS church handbook
Instill dependency and obedience - deep conditioning from infancy with Primary songs and lessons; the thread of obedience through doctrinal framework; temple covenants and language, etc
Information Control: things in the list that I think are related to Mormonism:
Deception, deliberately hold information or distort information to make it more acceptable - minimizing or bypassing history of polygamy, sexism, and racism; shifting the narrative of Joseph Smith’s criminal behavior and entire existence as "martyrdom" and something to be praised and revered; preaching inclusion of LGBTQ+ members that is still highly exclusionary, etc
Minimize or discourage access to non-group sources of information, especially those that criticize or can cause questioning or doubt - rhetoric around avoiding “anti-Mormon” literature, websites, socials, podcasts, resources; dissuading association with groups in opposition to church teachings
Extensive use of group-generated information and propaganda - The Book of Mormon; magazines; For Strength of Youth; the entire LDS media empire; Mormon influencers, etc
Unethical use of confession - the entire confession process; inappropriate requisites for youth to be subject to questioning about their sexuality; unnecessary adult confession; repentance process; disciplinary “membership” councils (incoming essay on how I was sexually abused by a bishop from my youth who used his medical authority to coerce me into “confession” and obedience)
Footage of me being a good Mormon girly
Thought Control: things in the list that I think are related to Mormonism:
Require members to internalize the groups’ doctrine as truth - the basis of LDS doctrine and repetition and reinforcement in activities like fast and testimony meeting, Primary, youth programs, etc
Change person’s name and identity - women receiving a “new name” in the temple that only their husbands can know so they can escort them into heaven
Encourage only good and proper thoughts - the existence of the youth program, especially for girls and women—Young Women theme and values
Thought stopping techniques that shut down reality and allow only positive thoughts - praying; obsessive scripture reading; recitation of themes; chanting in temple ceremonies; Primary songs, etc
Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, and constructive criticism - telling people who decide to no longer practice the faith that they have been “deceived”; cultural verbiage such as “leaving/left the church” that implies a negative connotation and being “led astray” for critical thinking (see also: the shade I might get from practicing Mormon people for writing this essay)
Forbid critical questions about leaders, doctrine, or policies - the admonition to follow the church presidency and leadership; questions in the temple recommend interviews; punishment in the form of ex-communication for criticism deemed too extreme
Labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate or evil - doctrine positioned as the “one true church”; being terrified of anything that has the appearance of “witchcraft” or the devil (I am still scared stupid of Ouija boards, thanks to my mother)
Emotional Control: things in the list that I think are related to Mormonism:
Manipulate or narrow feelings and emotions and/or needs as selfish, evil, or wrong - Mormon women who do not adhere to traditional gender roles are systematically reduced as “selfish” (this one is still a touchy subject for me because the amount of times I have been called “selfish” and then emotionally berated by family members and ex-family members is staggering)
Teach emotion-stopping techniques to block feelings of homesickness, anger, or doubt - missionaries who struggle on years-long missions with limited family/support group contact and unrealistic expectations/responsibility on 18-year-olds; toxic positivity; blaming Satan for having doubts, etc
Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness - the entire doctrine is replete with language and cultural rhetoric around worthiness like the temple recommend interview process; baptismal reasoning and covenant expectations; repentance process, etc
Instill fear - being shunned for leaving; losing salvation; the disapproval of others (there is a correlation between Utah County looking like the set of “The Stepford Wives” and every other billboard advertising fillers, med spas, plastic surgery, or physical fitness supplements to promise youth, a tight physique, and unparalleled beauty)
Extreme emotional highs and lows, being love-bombed and praised and then declared a horrible sinner - the experience of the Young Women’s program and being a girl and woman in the LDS faith (I understand changes have occurred in an attempt to reduce shame/fear-mongering, but the issue is at the root of the doctrine)
Ritualistic and sometimes public confession of sins - the history of and current repentance process; disciplinary or “membership” councils, etc
Phobia indoctrination, especially irrational fears around leaving the group or questioning the leaders - fear of being shunned or judged for leaving (such a scary, real feeling and a large reason why this Substack even exists—to provide connection and reassurance that you can, in fact, thrive after leaving Mormonism); terrible consequences for leaving, like the responsibility of you and your family’s salvation; the belief that those who leave are “worldly” and “deceived”; the old temple ceremonies that would require a literal hand sign to slit the throat if one divulged the “sacred” secrets in the temple because “God will not be mocked” (not gonna lie, there is still a little, tiny fear gremlin in the back of my mind that thinks I might get spiritually whacked for writing that last sentence)
Make the person feel that problems are always their fault, and never the group’s - being labeled unrighteous or bad for making choices that God wouldn’t approve of, when all of the above listed things are emotional and spiritual authoritarianism
This was the last and final nail in the coffin. There was no unseeing an organization so deeply controlling and draconian. Through the pain, it illuminated the discontents and deep ache of confusion that I felt. I wasn’t crazy! This articulated the messy and hard parts of the religion that I could not condone, profess to believe in, or live.
At its worst, I think the LDS faith is like a terrible boyfriend-turned-husband that regularly gaslights and emotionally abuses you. And unfortunately, many women end up in these types of relationships because the doctrine can subconsciously prime people for that type of behavior, which is then interpreted as normal—and even righteous and loving.
At its best, I think the Mormon faith can provide a sense of community, belonging, and purpose, which is the point of religion and a belief in a higher purpose beyond ourselves. It is a tenet of a life well-lived, and belief is scientifically shown to increase quality of life.
The disconnect is when the cons outweigh the pros and veer into a territory of control, bigotry, and emotional and spiritual distress. I think that is the inherent mixed messaging of Mormonism: it has a sparkly exterior. It is a sharply operated business. The people are beautiful, talented, and successful (by Western societal norms and standards). And it is also deeply problematic and authoritarian if not kept in check with a strong sense of identity outside of the religion and critical thinking.
If you're on the edge of the abyss, terrified to look over—I see you. You're not crazy. You're not evil. You're not broken. You're waking up. And on the other side of that fear, and jumping into the death pit as seen in my dream, is something that actually feels like salvation.
God is not a man in a white suit. Holiness isn’t submission. And truth doesn’t require control to survive.
That’s the gospel I live by now.
And damn, is the water nice!